Mom and Pop Quiz
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Q: How can I offer sound advice to a youngster when I only realised this week at the age of 37 that it's inadvisable to leave a handful of chocolate covered raisins unattended in the pocket of my hoodie?Q: How do I rationalise the hypocrisy when dispensing discipline and laying down the law regarding drugs, alcohol, sex and theft?
Q: Is it wrong to find pre-teens talking about bedwetting in a TV commercial erotic?
*one of the above questions is misleading
There are a thousand other reasons I'm not ready to be a parent. What really scares me isn't that I might turn into my parents, but rather the idea that they're who I am already...
Philip Larkin said it best in his This Be The Verse:
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 8:52:00 AM,
16 Dumbass Comments
16 Dumbass Comments:
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At Saturday, September 02, 2006 7:23:00 PM,
Brookelina said...
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I love you Beefy, but I think it might be best if you didn't reproduce.
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At Sunday, September 03, 2006 1:46:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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Ah, Philip Larkin. The daft old pornography obsessed right wing racist.
I do like that poem though. I think it tells one a lot about the poet.
The less said about the bed-wetting thing goes the better. You can get adult sized nappies for that sort of thing you know.
Seriously though man, about the drugs and booze and shit - you don't have lay down the law. I have no intention of being a "do as I say, not as I did" type parent. I'll try to be as honest as possible and tell them the truth. You can't stop them doing that stuff anyway, just as our parents couldn't stop us, so you might as well be as truthful as is prudent. Obviously, telling them what a blast your $5000 a day crack, PCP and hooker addiction was may not be advisable. -
At Sunday, September 03, 2006 1:48:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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PS I'm always leaving stuff in my pockets and them then being shoved in the washing machine, you ask Geebles.
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At Monday, September 04, 2006 7:15:00 AM,
Nick said...
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I think you'll make a fine father, Beefy. Regardless of any faults you may or may not have.
In regards to your little poem, The Offspring said something similar in one of their songs. It went like this:
Nothing changes cause it's all the same
The world you get's the one you give away
It all just happens again
Way down the line
And all the things you learn when you're a kid
You'll fuck up just like your parents did -
At Monday, September 04, 2006 9:58:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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Thanks Brooke, but that's kind of a moot point now.
Wrick, I suppose you're right. Just fess up as much as seems prudent at the time and assume they're only telling me a fraction of what they get up to.
Nick, thanks you kindly and The Offspring offer us some wise words indeed.
I may be dumb but I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem -
At Monday, September 04, 2006 1:04:00 PM,
Übermilf said...
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I think you've been listening to the wrong music and it's depressing you.
I prescribe P-Funk, Parliament, Bootsy Collins, George Clinton ... or any combination of the above. -
At Monday, September 04, 2006 11:35:00 PM,
Chris said...
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That musical prescription can only result in more of this kind of introspection 9 months later.
How about a polka and a nice cold shower? -
At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 5:52:00 AM,
Geebles said...
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I think impending parenthood is harder on men than women.
Women decide to have children because we cannot escape the hormones telling us we have to reproduce and nuture. We don't think about it, or analyse it, we are simply lead by our ovaries. Brain has closed down.
Men on the other hand, I believe, don't usually get those same urges and therefore spend hours wondering whether they can afford it, cope with it or be good at it. A labotomy helps at this point.
Beefy, you will be a good Dad. I mean if Whiteboybob can do it so can you. -
At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 8:47:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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See, if we tried to use that excuse of being led by our hormones with regards certain misadventures (be it infidelity, violence or buying a competitively bigger car) it just wouldn't wash.
But thanks anyway ;o)
I'm not really a P Funk kinda guy, but I'm quite into Placebo at the moment. "Baby, did you forget to take your meds?" -
At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 2:38:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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I use the old "it was me 'ormones, love" trick all the time.
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At Thursday, September 07, 2006 2:35:00 AM,
said...
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I know easier said then done, but don't fret so much. You will be a fine Daddy. If it is any consollation, I have seen the children of a man who was a drug dealing, hells angel fraternising, heroin addict grow up into fine young men under his parentage. They are perfectly capable of making there own decisions about things and I can't see either of them going off the rails any time soon. Offer advice to your children based on your own experience, good and bad. It will have a lot more impact on them knowing you are not talking about out of your arse. Be willing to listen as well, so that they can tell you if things start to get a bit messy and you can help sort them out. I KNOW you can do that from personal experience! Nobody is perfect and trying to hard to be will only give them expectations of themselves that they will never be able to live up to. Everyone leaves stuff in there pockets to go manky. Normally snotty tissues with me. Besides, you don't have to worry about any of that stuff for at least another ten years! Between now and then the most important thing you have to do is dispence lots of hugs and things that make them giggle. If you do that, which I KNOW you can, they will be just fine and so will you. You are now, and always have been, somebody I am proud to know.
And, seeing as I am at it, wear sunsceen... -
At Thursday, September 07, 2006 7:56:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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You are most kind Squidling, and I'm glad I can come to you for advice. Thanks ;o)
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At Thursday, September 14, 2006 8:32:00 AM,
Übermilf said...
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I can give you my homemade mac and cheese recipe if you think it will make you a better father.
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At Sunday, September 24, 2006 7:23:00 PM,
Brookelina said...
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You better not be out reproducing!!
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At Monday, September 25, 2006 12:59:00 PM,
thephoenixnyc said...
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Okay that settles it. I'm getting a vasectomy. LOL
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At Monday, October 16, 2006 2:18:00 PM,
Ghone said...
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where are you, you tart x
Links to this post:
Frankly, I find this a bit scary
Friday, August 25, 2006
Not the image above, but the idea of a religious operating system, in the form of Ubuntu Christian Edition, available on the fantastically titled "What Jesus Would Download.com".
They say their mission is to bring Linux to Christians, not Christianity to Linux users, but it bothers me in the same way those people in the streets with nametags, backpacks and shiny new bicycles do when they give me a smile and a cheery "Hello" and try to start a conversation about the Lord Jesus.
I know this sounds like another of my anti-relieous rants, but it's not; it's an anti-religeous-software-as-an educational-tool paranoid fit instead.
If this were an Islamic operating system I'm sure the CIA and the Bush Administration would acuse it of being a dangerous terrorist propaganda device, and that's kind of how I feel about it but for different reasons.
OK, that may be stating it a bit strongly but I still think it's creepy.
However, not as creepy as the sort of person who would wear this ker-r-r-azy lime green t-shirt with whacky Turin Shroud / dead Jesus face design.
Recommended WJWD apparel.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 4:48:00 PM,
6 Dumbass Comments
6 Dumbass Comments:
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At Saturday, August 26, 2006 12:54:00 AM,
Taoski said...
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I reckon Jesus would use a Mac, actually.
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At Sunday, August 27, 2006 4:53:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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More importantly, do they do a Jehovah's Witnesses patch?
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At Sunday, August 27, 2006 10:28:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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No, but there's a Catholic patch that tells you you're running the only true operating system and all the others are faulty and will corrupt your data.
But it won't let you install it until you've paid for it. -
At Monday, August 28, 2006 6:47:00 AM,
Nick said...
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Buh-Zing!
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At Friday, September 01, 2006 11:49:00 AM,
Übermilf said...
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Whenever the lines between the physical world and the spiritual get intertwined, it's dangerous to both.
It is creepy. It's like the balance keeps getting upset. -
At Saturday, September 02, 2006 9:19:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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It's just my neuroses coming to the fore once again. There are really much bigger things in the world for me to worry about.
Very Big Things.
Links to this post:
Home Service
Nothing much happening except lots of lovely misty mornings and sunny days but very little job action. Just thought I'd break my silence to bring you a new Freudian nightmare:
We had moved into an apartment and were waiting for our shipment of furniture to arrive from the UK. We had no bath so I was chasing the landlord trying to get him to install one as the baby would need it. Some friends came to help us move and while they were busy carrying boxes I had to stop as my tooth was hurting. I pulled it out and it was black and rotten (again).
I was holding this bloody tooth when I heard a scream. I looked up and my mother had stabbed one of my friends from behind, through his kidney. He was lying on the floor bleeding as she laughed. I told her I would have to call the police and an ambulance and she told me to go ahead and do it.
I dialled 911 but no-one came and he died, slowly.
On a lighter note, I've installed Ubuntu 6.06 and am loving it.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 9:42:00 AM,
8 Dumbass Comments
8 Dumbass Comments:
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At Friday, August 25, 2006 12:26:00 PM,
Chris said...
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Nice picture.
Is it 911 you fellas ring too? Well I never. -
At Friday, August 25, 2006 1:59:00 PM,
bigfootcookie said...
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Jesus, how can you dream like that in a fantastic four poster bed?
Get as much sleep in as you can dude. You'll crave it like crack cocaine in 6 months time. -
At Friday, August 25, 2006 3:58:00 PM,
Ghone said...
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Well, I've installed skype and I never see you on it.
:( -
At Friday, August 25, 2006 5:24:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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That is because I am shit
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At Friday, August 25, 2006 5:26:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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And yes, Cookie, I look forward to many, many sleep deprived nights of anxiety, boredom and frustration, all experienced to the soundtrack of a repetitive screeching noise.
A bit like going clubbing. -
At Saturday, August 26, 2006 12:52:00 AM,
Taoski said...
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As long as you don't start dreaming about killing babies.... then you should be ok!
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At Sunday, August 27, 2006 1:54:00 PM,
Nick said...
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See the first time I read it, I thought you meant nightmare metaphorically. I got to the end and I was like "where's the punchline?" then I realized you meant it literally.
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At Thursday, August 31, 2006 2:03:00 AM,
said...
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Have you considered going to a dentist for a check up? This could all just be your body trying to tell you something simple like, you have a cavity coming. Stranger things have happened... Or it could just be a cheese before bedtime issue.
Links to this post:
Man alive! It's true!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
For that special someone in your life, have you ever considered Anal Bleaching Cream?
There's a surprising choice of creams on the market so why not give it a go today?
Makes a great Mother's Day gift, or try it yourself and show your significant other just how much you care
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 3:34:00 PM,
6 Dumbass Comments
6 Dumbass Comments:
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 5:23:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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I find colgate whitening and a toothbrush give a natural whiteness.
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 7:39:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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And do you clean your teeth before or after buffing your hoop?
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At Friday, August 18, 2006 12:12:00 AM,
Nick said...
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If he's real talented then he does it at the same time.
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At Friday, August 18, 2006 11:20:00 AM,
Nick said...
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Buffing The Hoop sounds like a basketball movie.
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At Friday, August 18, 2006 2:10:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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I know! Imagine my surprise to find that Hoop Dreams wasn't an anal porno after all
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At Saturday, August 19, 2006 8:50:00 AM,
Nick said...
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Vote in my poll. Please.
Links to this post:
How do you switch this thing on?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Can anyone tell me what this is for?
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 10:34:00 AM,
6 Dumbass Comments
6 Dumbass Comments:
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At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:52:00 AM,
Nick said...
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It activates nipples. Duh.
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 10:10:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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So what's the difference between a dormant nipple and one that's been activated?
Does it sprout like a seed? Is there a tiny alien intruder living in my moobs, waiting to be activated? -
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 11:39:00 AM,
Nick said...
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He knows too much!
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 2:54:00 PM,
Übermilf said...
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You see, Capt. B, women are naturally ugly and repugnant. Every aspect of their phsyiology must be altered to reflect the commercially-accepted standard of beauty. Thus, we must change the color of our nipples.
People also bleach their bung holes. -
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 3:28:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 3:32:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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I had heard of anal bleaching but thought it was just a rumour, like the Pet Shop Boys.
Thank you for setting me straight. As long as it's in a good cause such as maintaining artificial sterotypes of femininity then nipple bleaching is perfectly acceptable
Links to this post:
Mr Coffee
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
For Wrick, complete with celebrity endorsement.
In other news, I turned the job down on the grounds that the owner is a nutter and I'm scared of him. I had a job offer and was at the point of signing when I decided I really didn't like the look of the owner of the company. It didn't help when he went off on one about how if I were to leave I could not take another job with a customer or a competitor for at least twelve months and that if I did he had an aggressive team of lawyers and he wasn't afraid to use them to prosecute to the full extent of the law to gain recompense, stabbing the table with his finger for emphasis.
I know you have to be a certain type of aggressive go-getter to start your own company but he really struck me as a bit of a dickhead. I had a very bad feeling about the whole thing so thought it best to decline.
Something will turn up. I just need to keep telling myself that I am that interesting, flawed, sophisticated adult that as a child I hoped I would be, everything is going to plan and that it will all work out fine.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 9:30:00 AM,
6 Dumbass Comments
6 Dumbass Comments:
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At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 1:45:00 AM,
Tired and emotional said...
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Compnay Directors are complete f&^*!hggzhging wa&*^%*kers.
I also believe there is some sort of employement law in Canandanadada that prevents another party from preventing you using your skills to gain employment. i.e. they can't stop you getting another job. -
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 3:06:00 AM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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I concur. Most of them are bullies too.
I totally understand why you slowly backed away, and kudos to you for doing that. I'm the sort of lily-livered knob jockey that would have been too worried about making a fuss and just signed on the dotted line and then spent ages regretting it. -
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:19:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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I don't think they could have stopped me "ever working in this town again" or anything like that, but it was more the attitude behind the rant that put me off and made me think "I really don't want to share a building with this man".
Running away bravely seemed the best option -
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:52:00 AM,
Nick said...
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I would have done the same thing.
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At Thursday, August 17, 2006 2:56:00 PM,
Übermilf said...
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Have you considered a lucrative career in nipple bleaching?
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At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 4:24:00 PM,
Ghone said...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAmljaj5stA
Links to this post:
Sunday
Sunday, August 13, 2006
In keeping with the current trend for U-Bending, here's my selection of motivational film. Apologies if this has already become overexposed.
Roll VT:
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 11:47:00 AM,
2 Dumbass Comments
2 Dumbass Comments:
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At Sunday, August 13, 2006 3:23:00 PM,
Nick said...
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this is fucking awesome.
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At Monday, August 14, 2006 5:22:00 PM,
Übermilf said...
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Hmmm...
Still not as impressive as my new apron.
Links to this post:
Nerd Alert
Friday, August 11, 2006
As mentioned, I will be shortly undertaking a new assignment in that I am joining an I.T. consultancy in Vancouver. A small outfit, only 12 people, or lucky 13 now that I'm there, so I'll either shine and be a big shiny fish in a small pond, or else I'll fuck up really badly and not be able to blame it anyone else. Down the docks, favours for sailors etc.
I'm not big on working in I.T and mentally dress it up any way I can to psyche up to go to work each day and it's going to be especially tough now I'm getting used to my afternoon spot on the beach. I even go as far as to imagine myself working in Starfleet and joining a new I.T. outfit as a consultant is like joining the crew of a new starship as an engineer. Doesn't really cut the mustard as far as fantasies go, does it?
Anyway, there are some bits I'm interested in and I have been asked by these good people to publicise their services, when I availed myself of them
Free Linux distro CD's can be requested worldwide from the nice folks at The Linux Store here.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 6:49:00 PM,
13 Dumbass Comments
13 Dumbass Comments:
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 11:31:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 11:33:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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Go Beefy, it's your birthday!
Go Beefy, it's your birthday!
I always find it's fun to start a new job, and if the place is nice, I usually enjoy going to work for about 18 months before the dark fingers of depression start to wrap their fingers round my throat.
And you, ensign Beefy?
(previous comment removed due to "specail" fingers). -
At Friday, August 11, 2006 11:49:00 PM,
Taoski said...
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GO Linux boy!
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 2:03:00 AM,
Spirit Of Owl said...
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That's like really weird - I swear I was just looking to get hold of some Fedora 5 DVDs!
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 5:03:00 AM,
Brookelina said...
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I'm willing to bet you aren't the first I.T. guy to imagine himself as a Starfleet Consultant.
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 10:13:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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Whitey, I always find starting a new job really depressing and angst inducing (can you be anxious and depressed simultaneously?) and it takes a week or two to wear off. One job was so bad I went home sick on the first day.
Tao - how's the chat line working out?
And I'm afraid I can't help you Owl - it would violate the Prime Plot Device
Brooke - I'd like to discuss this with you further but right now I must report for duty -
At Saturday, August 12, 2006 10:26:00 AM,
Gorgs said...
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I'd like to comment but I have to report for dooty.
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 11:21:00 AM,
Nick said...
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that was me, and I meant Doody.
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 11:39:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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So part time Piebeard, part time cheese? A werecheese?
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At Saturday, August 12, 2006 8:18:00 PM,
Übermilf said...
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Why don't you stay home with Beefy Jr. once he's born? We can have a coffee klatch.
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At Sunday, August 13, 2006 8:22:00 AM,
Nick said...
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I heart Beefheart.
If you ever run for political office I demand that that be your campaign slogan. -
At Sunday, August 13, 2006 9:16:00 AM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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Ubie, the idea of being a haus-herr has crossed my mind and has a lot going for it, but while we wait for Ms Buzzard's professional standing to be recognised by the Canadian regulatory authorities (which can take a while) I must perforce be the principle wage earner.
Standing for office sounds like a plan, but still being a citizen of that increasingly arrid and chaotic cluster of islands just off the coast of Europe, I don't believe I am permitted to stand for office; at least not until I gain my Beaver Wings and take the oath to be really, really polite, eh. -
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 2:40:00 AM,
Tired and emotional said...
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I find it's easier if you do wear 'the suit' to work.
Although making the rbbbtbeepbeep noise when you use your mobile phone is going a bit too far.
Links to this post:
A Wee Jobbie
I have found gainful employment and will reluctantly be starting work next week.
Yet another boring IT job but it'll pay the bills.
Guess I'd better go shine my shoes.
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 11:44:00 AM,
5 Dumbass Comments
5 Dumbass Comments:
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 2:32:00 PM,
Spirit Of Owl said...
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Applause and congrats!!!
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 5:02:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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Thank you Hooters, much appreciated :o)
I am pleased to have found a job, it's just that I was getting quite used to lying on the beach in the afternoons
*sigh* -
At Friday, August 11, 2006 5:08:00 PM,
Brookelina said...
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That's a big poopie.
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 6:04:00 PM,
Captain Beefheart said...
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Miss, I made doodie in my blog
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At Friday, August 11, 2006 11:25:00 PM,
WhiteBoyBob said...
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Great news old bean. I know you were feeling a bit "sqeaky".
Links to this post:
Forgot about D.R.E.
In case anyone is in any doubt as to the nature of the procedure, one is a pain in the arse and the other is a "fat sexist bell end" [N.M.E. 1988]
posted by Captain Beefheart @ 10:38:00 AM,
0 Dumbass Comments
